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Reflections on Splitting | | | Fissures | |
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< | The first seeds of cognitive dissonance that resulted in my split were planted, I think, on the day of my college graduation. My memories of the sights and feelings of that day are vague, painted in broad brushstrokes. The sounds I recall more clearly, particularly the words of our commencement speaker, Elie Wiesel. I recall the goosebumps I felt as I listened, captivated by his message, humbled by the privilege of hearing him speak. | >
> | The first seeds of cognitive dissonance that resulted in my split were planted, I think, on the day of my college graduation. My memories of the sights and feelings of that day are vague, painted in broad brushstrokes. The sounds I remember more clearly, particularly the words of our commencement speaker, Elie Wiesel. I recall the goosebumps I felt as I listened, captivated by his message, humbled by the privilege of hearing him speak. | | | “You will learn you can do something,” Wiesel told us, “even for one person. There must be on this planet at least one person who needs you. One person you can help. Don’t turn away; help." | | | At some point, those thoughts – mental uneasiness, rationalizations to mollify my subconscious, my mind’s rejection of these rationalizations – ceased. I just began going to work, ambivalent but not consciously dissatisfied. | |
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< | Reading “Something Split” in Lawyerland, wherein Wylie (quoting a psychiatrist) describes the process of splitting, was enlightening in helping me understand my experience. Lawyers must “do things, be part of things, you don’t want to be a part of. You have to pretend to be what you’re not” (Joseph 41), and consequently, cognitive dissonance takes root. This dissonance is sometimes eliminated through repression of the dissonance-causing thoughts, followed by dissociation – a psychic split. | >
> | Reading “Something Split” in Lawyerland, wherein Wylie (quoting a psychiatrist) describes the process of splitting, was enlightening in helping me understand my experience. Lawyers must “do things, be part of things, [they] don’t want to be a part of. [They] have to pretend to be what [they're] not” (Joseph 41), and consequently, cognitive dissonance takes root. This dissonance is sometimes eliminated through repression of the dissonance-causing thoughts, followed by dissociation – a psychic split. | | | When my first psychic defense mechanism (reframing my perceptions) failed, I think, perhaps, that I split. I cannot identify when, precisely, this occurred, likely because these splits are subconscious. What I know is that a time came when I no longer regularly felt the crushing heaviness of my dissonance. Mental peace made things easier. In hindsight I worry that I was unconsciously traveling down the road to the easiest way of life, the narrator’s route in “Bartleby, The Scrivener”, a life where others would characterize me as “eminently safe” (Melville 1). | | | -- CourtneyDoak - 27 Apr 2012 | |
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> | (I would like to continue editing over the summer. Thank you!) | | |
This is a beautifully written and compelling story. It's concise and relatable, yet has hidden beauty/emotion poking through in certain words and sentences (e.g. "Essentially the client is me"). As a reader what I was left wondering was how you realized you had split, or rather, what made you quit your job and want to come back to law school? If you were ambivalent about your work, was there something that shocked you awake or made you realize that you were cognitively dissonant, and thus encouraged you to apply to law school? If there was maybe this really was an instance of seeing your ghost?? I really enjoyed reading this and appreciate you sharing -- SkylarPolansky - 25 Apr 2012 |
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