I think this was a fine first draft, perfect for getting your ideas out where you can read them. The way to make the next draft better is to make it sharper. The importance of empathy to law is one subject here, while the nature of the first-year experience is another. Because the same person was writing about both of them, they felt intrinsically combined to you, but that's not the reader's experience.

As I read it, the personal part, about law school, was the real subject; empathy and its role in the law was a secondary theme, around which you were declaring your identity. (I don't know whether you are the most emotionally intelligent of your classmates, but that's what the persona in charge of that first paragraph intends the reader to hear you state.) Strengthening the draft means first deciding which is the primary theme for you, and following it. If the substance is empathy and the law, I think law school is less important to your discussion, and your own personal experience of law school only the hook that draws us into what is actually a complex and valuable discussion you don't quite leave yourself room here to have. If the matter of your experience is primary, I think that the conclusions should be personal as the experiences were, and that the generalities of "empathy" and "law" are of vanishing importance.