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Our Fears and Expectations | |
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< | In class, we spoke briefly about the expectations we set for ourselves and the fear and insecurity that comes with attempting to fulfill these expectations. We then spoke about the fear that, perhaps all the privileges and successes we have had up until now could crumble away at any point, that maybe now this is when it all goes away. You then said something drew my mind to the quote by Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I think that the decision for me to enter a firm is more complicated, and will continue to get more complicated, than the simple theory that I will do so because it is what I am “suppose” to do, or I want the security in it. | >
> | In class, we spoke briefly about the expectations we set for ourselves as well as the fear and insecurity that comes with attempting to fulfill these expectations. We then spoke about the fear that, perhaps all the privileges and successes we have had up until now could crumble away at any point, that maybe now this is when it all goes away, that maybe it was only luck that brought us to this point. That, in a way, obtaining a firm job reaffirmed that the luck is still present and that we are continuing down the path were suppose to follow as Columbia Law students. I think that the decision for me to enter a firm is more complicated though, and will continue to get more complicated, than the simple theory that I will do so because it is what I am “suppose” to do, or I want the security that comes with it. | | |
The Path to Law School
In truth, I cannot say that I feel I deserve to be where I am because of all the hard work I did to get here. As was said in class and as I believe, most of us have never had to work that hard, relatively speaking. I have done, merely, what I was told to do or supposed to do, there were never any real forks in the road or hard choices to make. The path to law school was relatively straightforward from the moment I decided I wanted to be a lawyer, go to college, study and take this test, go to law school. Although, I had always thought about being a lawyer, I realize now it was rather generally and abstractly. I had been more fascinated by the idea of being a lawyer, saying that I was a lawyer, and never given much thought to what comes after I’ve met my goal of becoming a lawyer. So now, the question is do I continue on this linear path that has been neatly laid out, go out to a firm, attempt to make partner or leave and go in house somewhere, or do I break from this norm and do something different, what that thing is yet is hard to conceptualize because I have never been trained to think otherwise.
Lucky or Qualified? | |
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< | In going back to the quote I mentioned earlier, I do not think that my deepest fear is failing my expectations, inadequacy or as Williamson says, that I am “powerful beyond measure.” My fear is rather what we mentioned in class, that the luck will run out. When I was applying to college and law school, I would think, just let me be lucky enough to get in and then I will take over from there. And although I have always felt that I was up to the standards, at least intellectually, some part of me believed that it was this intangible luck that was responsible for my success. I think my conception of being lucky derived not from thinking I was not qualified, but thinking that there were so many people that are intelligent enough to do the same as me. So in applying to a firm, for me it is more of a matter of proving to myself that the luck has not run out, at least for now. But to say that this is me looking for some type of security would be wrong. By its definition, being “lucky” is an insecure state, one due to chance and fortunate circumstances. The end goal is and has always been to put myself in a position where I no longer need luck. | >
> | My fear now is what we mentioned in class, that the luck that carried me so far is coming to an end. When I was applying to college and law school, I would think, just let me be fortunate enough to get in and then I will take over from there. And although I have always felt that I was up to the standards, at least intellectually, some part of me believed that it was this intangible luck that was responsible for my success. I think my conception of being lucky derived not from thinking I was not qualified, but thinking that there were so many people that are intelligent enough to do the same as me. So in applying to a firm, for me it is more of a matter of proving to myself that the luck has not run out, at least for now. But to say that this is me looking for some type of security would be wrong. By its definition, being “lucky” is an insecure state, one due to chance and fortunate circumstances. I feel that the purpose of “luck”, which in truth, is simply the product of the work and influence of my family and mentors, has been to place me in position to transfer this luck to those I choose, whether that be my future children or the general community and society. | | | The Type of Lawyer | |
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< | Therefore, the type of lawyer I want to become is simply one that no longer needs the luck to survive or progress, for a lawyer that does not feel “lucky” is much less susceptible to be taken advantage of. As we said part of feeling lucky has been created all of our lives due to the process of applications, testing and interviewing, all lined with statistics suggesting that you were lucky to be where you are. And I know that the process only continues on through firm life as young associates struggle against each other for promotions. To do this though, to not feel lucky, would be to believe that whatever successes I have were a product of my own work. This is a hard goal to achieve without creating a sense of arrogant entitlement, which may actually be necessary. I suppose one way to remove the feeling of luck, as was suggested in class, would be to have a job that any moment I am capable of walking out the door and not looking back. My main reservation though is I am not sure a job with that little attachment is something I could manage or want for my entire career. Essentially, what job is worth having if at any point you are ready to give it up and move on. The better solution is perhaps to make yourself valuable enough that losing your job is not an option, something easier said than done. As the semester goes on, I hope a solution to this problem becomes more and more clear. | >
> | Therefore, the type of lawyer I want to become is simply one that no longer needs the luck to survive or progress, for a lawyer that does not feel “lucky” is much less susceptible to be taken advantage of. As we said, part of feeling lucky has been created all of our lives due to the process of applications, testing and interviewing, all lined with statistics suggesting that you were lucky to be where you are. And I know that the process only continues on through firm life as young associates struggle against each other for promotions and career progression. In simply acknowledging this though, I feel that this is already a step in the right direction and removing the feeling of luck. An additional way, as was suggested in class, would be to have a job that any moment I am capable of walking out the door and not looking back. My main reservation though, is I am not sure a job, with such little attachment, is something I could manage or want for my entire career. Essentially, what job is worth having if at any point you are ready to give it up and move on. The better solution is perhaps to make yourself valuable enough that losing your job is not an option, something easier said than done. | | | | |
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What I have come to realize throughout the semester, is that whether I am lucky or not, deserve or don’t deserve to be here, is largely irrelevant in determining what comes next. It is admirable to appreciate that I am here and that I have slightly begun to understand the way the system works but that it is no longer enough to simply know that we are smart, young and lucky. At the same time however, I believe that it is too difficult and somewhat meaningless to create specific objectives and goals far in advance, such as the specific sector of law, in house or partner, public or private. It is far easier to keep a simple framework in mind, mine being, in no particular order, to have a substantial income, a close family, eventually control my own hours and do something meaningful for my community. Ultimately, I feel the specifics and the details are shaped by events and experiences that have yet to happen, yet the simple framework is always something fully determined by me. | | | | |
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It seems to me that this draft is extremely faithful to your
thought-process, Kurt, and gives us a very helpful way to think
about your choices. Maybe for just this reason, it leaves me a
little puzzled.
Luck, like all our other assets in life, is for something. We do
what we can with what we have. So what, in this analysis, are you
using your luck for? Are you using it to do work in life that
will make you happy? Are you using it to do what you believe is
good for your community or society? Are you using it to make money
to buy things for people you love, in the hope that money's
purchases will make them happy? It seems, in the text, that you are
testing your luck only to find out whether it is still there. Are
you still able to arrive places, get jobs, be given gold stars to
wear on your forehead, that other equally smart people do not get?
But, even if so, so what? Surely the luck is there for something
more than checking whether it's still there.
In a way, this is a perfect parable about growing up. When we are
children, our effort is to develop what we are, without regard to
what we are ultimately going to do with it. The transition to
adulthood is about assembling the objectives of our grown-up lives,
which are our own for the first time, not those of our parents, our
teachers, or the other people who have had charge of us and helped
us grow. Now we are steering our own boats on the sea that runs
'round all the world. It is no longer enough to know that we are
smart, young and lucky.
Which is when the form of argument about ourselves that you are
using here about yourself ceases to be enough. It isn't the luck
that has run out. It's childhood.
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