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When Will the Luck Run Out?

-- By KurtLyn - 25 Feb 2013

Our Fears and Expectations

In class, we spoke briefly about the expectations we set for ourselves and the fear and insecurity that comes with attempting to fulfill these expectations. We then spoke about the fear that, perhaps all the privileges and successes we have had up until now could crumble away at any point, that maybe now this is when it all goes away. You then said something drew my mind to the quote by Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I think that the decision for me to enter a firm is more complicated, and will continue to get more complicated, than the simple theory that I will do so because it is what I am “suppose” to do, or I want the security in it.

The Path to Law School

In truth, I cannot say that I feel I deserve to be where I am because of all the hard work I did to get here. As was said in class and as I believe, most of us have never had to work that hard, relatively speaking. I have done, merely, what I was told to do or supposed to do, there were never any real forks in the road or hard choices to make. The path to law school was relatively straightforward from the moment I decided I wanted to be a lawyer, go to college, study and take this test, go to law school. Although, I had always thought about being a lawyer, I realize now it was rather generally and abstractly. I had been more fascinated by the idea of being a lawyer, saying that I was a lawyer, and never given much thought to what comes after I’ve met my goal of becoming a lawyer. So now, the question is do I continue on this linear path that has been neatly laid out, go out to a firm, attempt to make partner or leave and go in house somewhere, or do I break from this norm and do something different, what that thing is yet is hard to conceptualize because I have never been trained to think otherwise.

Lucky or Qualified?

In going back to the quote I mentioned earlier, I do not think that my deepest fear is failing my expectations, inadequacy or as Williamson says, that I am “powerful beyond measure.” My fear is rather what we mentioned in class, that the luck will run out. When I was applying to college and law school, I would think, just let me be lucky enough to get in and then I will take over from there. And although I have always felt that I was up to the standards, at least intellectually, some part of me believed that it was this intangible luck that was responsible for my success. I think my conception of being lucky derived not from thinking I was not qualified, but thinking that there were so many people that are intelligent enough to do the same as me. So in applying to a firm, for me it is more of a matter of proving to myself that the luck has not run out, at least for now. But to say that this is me looking for some type of security would be wrong. By its definition, being “lucky” is an insecure state, one due to chance and fortunate circumstances. The end goal is and has always been to put myself in a position where I no longer need luck.

The Type of Lawyer

Therefore, the type of lawyer I want to become is simply one that no longer needs the luck to survive or progress, for a lawyer that does not feel “lucky” is much less susceptible to be taken advantage of. As we said part of feeling lucky has been created all of our lives due to the process of applications, testing and interviewing, all lined with statistics suggesting that you were lucky to be where you are. And I know that the process only continues on through firm life as young associates struggle against each other for promotions. To do this though, to not feel lucky, would be to believe that whatever successes I have were a product of my own work. This is a hard goal to achieve without creating a sense of arrogant entitlement, which may actually be necessary. I suppose one way to remove the feeling of luck, as was suggested in class, would be to have a job that any moment I am capable of walking out the door and not looking back. My main reservation though is I am not sure a job with that little attachment is something I could manage or want for my entire career. Essentially, what job is worth having if at any point you are ready to give it up and move on. The better solution is perhaps to make yourself valuable enough that losing your job is not an option, something easier said than done. As the semester goes on, I hope a solution to this problem becomes more and more clear.

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