Working within the Rigidly Ridiculous System

-- By Leyla Hadi - 25 Feb 2013

What I Want

My career isn't the most important thing to me. I don't want it to be. But I want it to be important, and I want it to be meaningful, and I don't think I want to be "influential".

I believe I have found the person with whom I want to walk through this magical and abysmal world; and so, to deal with the practical, real world stuff, I want to be able to make money so that we can live well. That includes paying off debt, which is something I've never dealt with before, and terrifies the crap out of me. That also includes the unconventional realities of a same-sex relationship: the $2400 fees for a three month "subscription" to a sperm bank which allows you to receive extensive details about the donor. The expenses that come with insemination.

I'll do what I have to do for a while to make money. I'll meet people to expand my network, I'll educate myself, and I'll question often and hard what I want, what I'm working towards, whether I'm happy, whether I'm helping the people I want to be helping, how I can take the next steps to get where I want to go. This semester provided me with enough education to know to be aware of the ways people are stunted and inhibited from networking and learning necessary skills to become independent lawyers.

Distorted version: I wanted to do something challenging with my career, but, being twenty-one, I wasn't sure what that was, and I didn't want to force myself down a particular route. People I spoke with advised me to consider law school, where I would be in a challenging environment that would open many more doors for me. So, I took their advice and took a year off in between to work at a law firm and see if I could see myself in the legal world. Turns out, I could.

Truth: I decided to go to law school because I had no idea what else to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to stay in the US. I knew that I wanted to do something. A part of me wanted to do good/fight for issues that I care strongly about. Another wanted to get rich. Another wanted to act. The world was my oyster; but not really, because life puts a gun to your head and forces you to make decisions. Practical stuff gets in the way. A visa. Money. Stability.

If the world were my oyster, I definitely would not be in law school.

What type of law do you see yourself practicing and/or where do you see yourself taking your career?

Distorted version: I am actually not sure what I would like to do. I definitely find areas of practice interesting, including IP and labor law, but I haven't had enough exposure to really be able to say at this time.

Truth: I have no idea where I see myself taking my career; and I have no idea what type of law I see myself practicing. I want to figure it out, and the classes thus far have done little to help. Granted, there are a ton of resources here, from professors, to clinics, to courses. But how does any of it help me decide, help me with the choice? How will working at your firm this summer guide me? It won't. LGBT rights, immigration reform, criminal justice system reform, advocating against the death penalty, advocating for the legalization of marijuana, education reform, working with music leasing, bringing down evil corporations, working on US-Pakistan relations, representing the Lakers, representing celebrities, abortion… there is so much I am interested in but again, there's a gun to my head. I can't just jump from each area like I live in some kind of gargantuan legal rotational system. I have to go down a path. Even if I do end up working at a firm, how do I know where to go that will help me learn about any of the above?

How the Hell Do I Get There

I do have a general pessimistic attitude about the world, and do believe that forces of evil have made the world, and will continue to make the world, a very bad and sad place. But my last draft was defeatist nonsense, and I don't know why I realized that so soon after reading the comments, or why I had convinced myself of that for so long. I don't know as yet if I will actually accomplish change in the grand scheme of things -- if I will make an impact on the world at large, or at least, some part of the ridiculous system and structure through which we march on. But, I should do good, for a few people, for people who need it. I should because I believe in good, and because I will be in a position to do good.

But this realization brings about a barrage of other questions and issues to sort out and really figure out. If I know that I need to be an employee for the next few years, if I know that I want to make money to get this phantom Debt out of my head and to eventually support a family, how will I figure out what I really want to do and how do I utilize the next two years at this establishment to help me get there? The next steps seem so rigid. I don't want to be boxed up doing just one thing.

You needed to erase my prior comments, which made no sense interlineated with your revised draft. I've cleaned that up.

This draft reflects the confusion better that underlay some unnecessarily energetic pronouncements last draft. Considering, imaginatively, some roles you could play, some work you could do, is the necessary first step. Birds still in the nest dream of flying. It is not, of course, precisely how you dream it will be. But there is never a moment when you box yourself in without knowing, without making decisions you could reimagine rather than submitting to.