Second Semester Progression

-- By LisaXia - 01 Apr 2016

Stage 1: Cruising

“And here,” the professor said, circling his laser pointer around a dip in the PowerPoint? chart, “is where most law students feel the most hopeless in their law school careers.”

Great, I thought in response, just in time for my birthday. In actuality, I didn’t really believe that. Beside the exams and the cold calls, I had loved first semester, and naively, I assumed second semester would be the same. I sighed to myself. Do people really feel that way? People are way too serious here. Yeah, no denying I wish I had better grades from the first semester, but what was done was already done. I had made some really stupid mistakes on my exams, but I had also tried my best. I had really just come for the boxed lunch - my favorite law school “perk”.

The professor was referencing the first weeks of February. He brought up several different reasons for this. Perhaps it was the bleak and windy weather coupled with the prospect of seemingly never-ending grey skies. Perhaps it was because the glamor and new-ness of law school had finally worn off. Perhaps it was because students began the semester with the intention of doing better than first semester, but a couple weeks in, they found themselves lacking motivation and concentration. He explained that whatever the reasons, the data showed that students reported the worst quality of life and happiness rating. He didn't mention that the discontent may have stemmed from students questioning their decision to come to law school. Instead, he smiled reassuringly and said, “Don’t worry, you are not alone.”

It was the end of January and I still felt great. I ate my boxed lunch cookie and thought about the readings I had to do and the job postings I was going to respond to. I had been applying to jobs since early December, so I was confident that I would hear back from at least one any day now.

Stage 2: Disintegration

Fast forward some weeks. It was about to be late-February and I had only heard back from one company to schedule an interview despite having applied to many, each of which I had tailored to fit the description. I was now procrastinating pretty hard on the milestones for my brief and I was behind in almost every class on my reading. Yet at the same time, I felt like I didn’t have time to do anything. Just as the professor at the lunch talk had said at the beginning of the semester, I was unhappy. I constantly felt stressed and like I didn’t know what aspect of my life to focus on. Although I was attending networking events left and right to practice talking to people and to force myself to get out of my comfort zone, the events typically left me with zero new contacts and feeling discouraged about finding a law firm that would be a good fit for me values and personality wise. My confidence levels somehow reached an all-time low. I began finding it very hard to speak to people and even harder to talk in class and to my professors. I felt very inadequate and like I was never going to be able to be a hirable lawyer, and that I was fundamentally not suited to become one.

How would anyone hire me or want me to work for them or be a lawyer for them if I couldn’t even speak without feeling insecure or like I wanted to pull a hood over my head and hide out until the socializing was over. The more I went to the networking events, the more my insides felt defeated. I couldn’t see myself working with any of the people I was meeting. Everyone around me seemed so capable. I couldn’t talk to anyone without feeling like my soul was crumbling to pieces just as their practice would if I was involved or given any responsibility (dramatic, yes, but this is how I really felt and kind of still feel).

Stage 3: Mend

As February gave way to March, recruiters seemed to wake with the spring. I was getting contacted by many and doing a number of interviews, yet, still, no one seemed to want me. Every interview I went to, I sat calmly across from my interviewer and spewed rehearsed words and pauses alike, while my the voice within me cringed and criticized every word. I still couldn’t see myself at any of the companies I had interviewed at, though I obviously tried to portray otherwise. Finally, one day, I stepped into an office that reminded me a lot of my office at my old job. I felt immediately like I was home. A couple weeks later, I finally had a job offer. I took it happily.

Although I finally have a job lined up, law school has not retained its former glory. I still feel nauseous before I speak. I try envision myself bursting out of a cage in a cacophony of color. But then I start talking and I hear the shake in my voice and feel the flush creeping up my cheeks. The shy self inside me is surprisingly assertive and mean to me. I start to sweat. I feel trapped…I cannot wait to improve my ability to speaking skills. In the law school, the walls feel strangely oppressive and constricting. I cannot wait to start at my internship this summer - I can’t wait to learn the law in practice and have a purpose to speak out for.

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